Things have been busy as of late, I have been posting a lot of blog posts on the Boostability Blog and it has been nice to see that there are people who have been interested in it. But i have truly neglected my personal blog. I want to try and write more on here and let people know what is going on in my life as well as anything else that might be of interest to myself.
Lately work has been good. I have been learning a lot but days still have their ups and downs. Also I have had thoughts of going back to school, maybe trying to do more with my time, start my own business (a haunt has been something on my mind before). Just depends on a few varying factors for what i am going to do next. I have thought about going to school to be a mortician as well as an occupational therapist. It really is a lot to think about and don’t know for sure what road would be the best path for me.
My little brother has just left on and LDS mission. He is going to be serving in Guatemala City, Guatemala and it should be a life changing experience for him. I served a mission myself in North Carolina a few years ago and it made a big impact on my life. We will be talking to him on Christmas Day and it will be nice to hear from him. He has only been gone for a month or so but still it is hard that he is gone. I know that he is doing what is best for him and I hope that he will continue to learn and grow from this experience as I did when I was on my mission.
A new year is upon us and it also means my birthday is here as well. A new year would mean another year of my life which worked out great for me since I can get a little OCD about things, if that makes sense. I’ll be turning 25 this year and it is hard, but also interesting to look back on all of the things that have happened in my life. At 4 I went through cancer, had to learn to cope with the medical problems I’ve had from that since then, worked at many different places, coped with family loss, loss of work, trying to start up a new business and sadly seeing it fail, struggle to serve a mission and again confront medical problems, come back and face them again. I can go on and on but challenges continue to come their way and in the end I am grateful for them because its molded me into the person that I am.
Life throws a lot at you at times and depending on how you react, will determine the type of person that you will be. I struggle at times to find out why it is that I have those challenges that I do. Why do I have to face them and why can’t life be easier. I still don’t have the full answer and using the “excuse” or example that it is only to make one stronger can be hard for me to accept. For the longest time its felt like a punishment from God, that I’m a bad person or its to bring me more “strength.” I still don’t feel that I have all of the answers. That seems like the simple answer but it doesn’t always seem to fit. I feel that I have perhaps a purpose, or reason for being around. At the time I was diagnosed with cancer they told my parents i had a very small chance of surviving, and I did. Was it fate? Did God have some sway in it? Or was I just lucky? It’s brought up a lot of questions in my mind my whole life, and it honestly has brought on feelings of depression, feelings of needing to meet certain expectations, as well as hope.
Lately there have been large spouts of depression, feelings of low self worth, and feeling unaccomplished. I know that I am only 25, but have these set expectations of being married, perhaps having a kid, and a more set career. Do these things bring full happiness? Perhaps, but more than likely they don’t bring ultimate joy. I just have been one who has spent a lot of his life thinking that those things are what I “need” to be happy. Changing that perception has been a long and hard process that I still struggle with. Accepting myself for who I am is very hard and is still a daily thing I work on. A lot of us I know try to discover who we are and what it is that we want in life. Turning 25 brings a lot more of this into light for me.
Is this where I want to be? What do I need to change or what do I need to find. It’s a lot to think about. A lot to ponder and a lot to try and find on my own. There are days I wish I had someone to ponder it all with, and others I’d rather face it alone. I am sure that there are those that agree, and feel the same way as I do. May not be as open to admit it, and may not feel or know how to express it to others. I am in that same boat most of the time. I hope that with some of what I am saying here will be of some relief or help in letting them know that you aren’t alone in wanting to know your purpose. God may be the answer for you, or there may be some other way of self discovery, purpose, or mission that you might have. I’m on that journey with you, and perhaps even just knowing that there is someone else trying, at least trying can be of some support.
I apologize if that seemed to be a bit too personal. It has been on my mind lately and since I haven’t been posting on this blog at all in the past 6 months it just felt right. Also with the season of Christmas being here, it can be a time to question and wonder about God, your life, and a lot of things. It’s late, and this might seem to be rambling to some, and I will stop. I do want to just wish everyone who reads this blog a Happy Christmas and Holiday Season as I end. I may get personal here or there on this blog, and hope that it can be of some help to others. I will throw in work related things as well or other things that interest me. So just be aware. Goodnight all and hope to post something here again soon.